ramble with me

Wanna know what is worse than fear or depression?

Indifference. 

Why do we bother to care about anything? After all what is point. In a few years, how much will the decisions I make today really affect me? Sure, some decisions have long lasting effects but in the long run many do not.

When you are on your bed, staring up at the ceiling, not able to sleep and your mind is going nonstop. Do  you ever question why you even bother caring about all the things running rampant through your mind?

Does it matter that..
 ... your friends do not miss you?
 ... that the people you love don't know, or, if they do, do not care?
 ... if something bad happens to you or those you love? That's life.
 ... life hands you lemons and forgets the sugar to sweeten the lemonade?
 ... you have invested so much into others only to be reminded every time that it was one sided?

WHY.
Why do we have to care?
Thoughts like this make me jealous of androids from those sci-fy shows. They get all the benefits of being human without having to worry about the one thing that separates us from man made contraptions. A soul. The ability to think and to care. The ability to feel and to hurt.

Yes, I know.
  "I matter"
     "I have a purpose"
        "I do make a difference"

But do I really?

Why write this? No one reads this blog anyway. Do I do it for me? So I can pretend for one minute that I matter? Maybe someone will stumble onto this blog and find something that helps them in some way. Probably not. So instead I ramble. Hoping that maybe I will care.

Who am I kidding? I care, I will always care. I will cry, I will feel, and I will hide that from everyone. Being who they want or need me to be. I will be that friend who is there only when you need my help; who will love you even if you don't know or care; who would care if something bad happened to you; who will be the sugar to sweeten the lemonade of your life; and who will keep investing for no return.

Indifferent though I may be, and even if I don't matter, I am here. I may as well try to forget me and care about you. Because you do matter.

Who knows?
Maybe one day, I will matter. Maybe that's why I keep going, cause one day I could matter. Maybe.